Anna Marie Tendler, the ex-wife of comedian John Mulaney, has shared a candid account of her experience checking into a mental health facility in an excerpt from her upcoming memoir, Men Have Called Her Crazy.
Editor’s note: The following story contains discussion about suicidal ideation, eating disorders, and self-harm.
In the excerpt, Tendler, 39, recounts the hospital staff’s professionalism and empathy during the check-in process. She notes that the employees adapt their approach based on each patient’s demeanor, speaking in soft voices and offering snacks to those who are relieved to be there.
Tendler reveals that she held back tears as she explained her struggles with “intense suicidal ideation, self-harm, and disordered eating” that led her to seek help. The nurse then assesses her suicide risk, asking questions about her past suicidal thoughts and feelings of worthlessness.
Tendler responds candidly, sharing that she had thought about taking her life in the past 48 hours and had the means to carry out the plan. When asked to rate her desire to die on a scale of 1 to 10, she replies, “Eleven.”
Tendler explains that her decision to check into the facility came on the recommendation of her therapist, who felt at a loss for how to help her. She opted for the women-only house, citing her discomfort around men.
In a conversation with a male psychologist, Tendler shares her past experiences with older men when she was underage, as well as her thoughts on a suicide note she wrote. She reflects on the “absurdity” of the note, which was filled with “self-involvement,” “venom, and rage,” but also undertones of “deep depression,” “worthlessness,” and “anxiety.”
Tendler recalls feeling embarrassed by the note’s contents and eventually ripping it into pieces and disposing of it in various garbage cans throughout her New York City apartment.
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Following her discussion with the psychologist, Tendler searches for a snack, eventually settling on a bag of Doritos. She admits to having not eaten much in the past seven months, citing her struggles with disordered eating. “I feel like s–t all the time — tired, weak, nauseous from my stomach trying to eat itself,” she shares.
The nurse takes her vitals, asking if she has a goal in mind for her stay. Tendler responds, “My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.”
Tendler was previously married to Mulaney from 2014 to 2021.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, visit the National Alliance for Eating Disorders website or call their hotline at +1 (866) 662-1235. Text “ALLIANCE” to 741741 for free, 24/7 support.
